It’s that time of the year again! The December vibes are in full swing in Lagos. The air smells of Jollof rice and new money, the streets are dotted with colorful decorations, and the average Lagosian’s excitement is only matched by the chaos on the roads. If you’ve ever driven through Lagos during the festive season, you know it’s not for the faint-hearted. This is the ultimate guide to surviving Lagos traffic when the “Detty December” fever takes over.
The ‘Go Slow’ Symphony
Ah, Lagos traffic! The quintessential Nigerian experience. What’s more festive than spending half your day in a gridlock with thousands of strangers? Every road, from Ikorodu to Lekki, becomes a parking lot of frustrated drivers, blaring horns, and pedestrians squeezing through tiny spaces. The road becomes a concert hall of sorts, with car horns as the instruments and the occasional conductor (usually an angry LASTMA officer).
During the festive season, traffic has layers. It starts with the usual bottlenecks. Then you add the Christmas shoppers clogging up markets like Balogun and Computer Village. Top it off with the grand finale: parties and events that block off entire streets because “we must celebrate.”
The Hawker Hustle
Stuck in traffic? No problem! You can practically do your Christmas shopping from your car. Hawkers are everywhere, weaving through lanes with their trays of gala, soft drinks, knock-off perfumes, Christmas hats, and even live chickens.
“Madam, buy hat for your pikin now!” one hawker insists. You don’t need the hat, but their enthusiasm is contagious, and before you know it, you’re the proud owner of three Santa hats and a knockoff Rolex.
Some hawkers are innovative, offering deals like “Buy two gala, get one La Casera free!” If you’re lucky, you’ll even find someone selling sparkly decorations to jazz up your dashboard while you wait.
Drivers and Their Shenanigans
Lagos drivers are a different breed. During the festive season, they take things up a notch. You’ll see danfo buses squeezing into spaces meant for bicycles and keke riders performing stunts that would make a Nollywood director jealous.
Private car owners aren’t left out. They’re either too cautious, annoying everyone behind them, or too aggressive, swerving through traffic as if auditioning for “Fast and Furious: Lagos Drift.”
Expect drama, too. A small scratch can escalate into a full-blown shouting match, complete with hand gestures and unsolicited advice from bystanders. “Ehen, oga, you no sabi drive. Why you buy car?”
The Road Rage Olympics
If there’s one sport Lagosians excel at during December, it’s road rage. Everyone is in a hurry, and patience is in short supply. A minor delay can lead to a symphony of insults and exaggerated threats:
“Who do you think you are? I will show you today!”
“Oga, calm down, it’s Christmas!”
“Christmas no mean say I go tolerate nonsense!”
This is often followed by the sound of people honking their horns in unison, as if that will magically dissolve the traffic.
The Festive Light Show
At night, Lagos roads transform into a sea of red taillights, complemented by the occasional fireworks display from street corners. Some drivers add their own flair, decking out their cars with twinkling fairy lights or blasting Christmas tunes from oversized speakers.
Pedestrians, not wanting to miss out, carry blinking Christmas hats or light-up wands, turning the streets into a carnival. It’s chaotic, yes, but undeniably festive.
Survival Tips for Lagos Traffic
- Leave Early or Arrive Late: If your event starts at 7 PM, leave your house at 3 PM. Or just show up fashionably late because, honestly, you might arrive at the same time either way.
- Pack Snacks: Hunger is a dangerous companion in Lagos traffic. Stock up on gala and chin chin, or better yet, grab a bowl of roadside suya while you wait.
- Entertainment is Key: Create a playlist or listen to hilarious podcasts to keep your spirits up. After all, laughter is the best medicine for frustration.
- Be Kind to Hawkers: Even if you don’t need what they’re selling, a smile or a polite “no, thank you” goes a long way.
- Practice Deep Breathing: Road rage won’t move the traffic, but staying calm might help you avoid a headache.
The Beauty of the Madness
As maddening as Lagos traffic can be, there’s something oddly magical about it during the festive season. It’s a chaotic blend of frustration, laughter, and a shared understanding that no one is immune to the December rush.
So, if you find yourself stuck in Lagos traffic this season, remember: it’s all part of the experience. Roll down your window, grab some roasted plantain from a hawker, and soak in the sights and sounds of the city. After all, what’s the holiday season without a little adventure?
