So, you’ve been “served breakfast.” The quintessential Nigerian heartbreak slang that means your once cherished boo has given you the boot. You’re left alone with a broken heart, a box of tissues, and a playlist of sad Afrobeat songs on repeat. But fear not! This guide will help you navigate your post-breakfast life with all the sarcasm you need to keep your spirits high…or at least pretend they are.
Step 1: Denial and Delusion
Why confront the harsh reality when you can live in blissful denial? Start by telling yourself and anyone who cares to listen that you’re “better off without them.” Repeat it like a mantra until you almost believe it. After all, your ex was probably not that great, right? I mean, who needs someone who was your everything?
Step 2: Social Media Overhaul
Next, perform a digital detox. Delete all those cute couple pictures and cryptic lovey-dovey posts. Replace them with inspirational quotes about self-love and independence. “I am my own hero” and “I don’t chase, I attract” should do the trick. Bonus points for vague yet dramatic status updates about “new beginnings.”
Step 3: The Rebound Game
Ah, the rebound. Because nothing says “I’m over you” like a poorly thought-out fling. Go ahead, download every dating app known to man and swipe right like your life depends on it. Just remember, the goal here isn’t to find love but to fill the void temporarily with questionable choices and awkward dates.
Step 4: Overindulge in Self-Care
Who needs a significant other when you can have a spa day? Splurge on those ridiculously expensive skincare products and post every moment of your self-pampering on Instagram. Mud masks, bubble baths, yoga poses – the works. Convince yourself (and your followers) that self-care is the best care, even if you’re crying into your wine glass every night.
Step 5: Become a “Relationship Expert”
Since you now have a PhD in heartbreak, why not share your newfound wisdom with the world? Start a blog or a YouTube channel where you dole out advice to other heartbroken souls. Offer pearls of wisdom like “never love too hard” and “always keep a backup boo.” Your expertise, derived from your own spectacular failure, will surely resonate with others.
Step 6: Revenge Glow-Up
Nothing says “I’ve moved on” like a dramatic transformation. Hit the gym, get a new haircut, and revamp your wardrobe. Make sure your ex sees your new and improved self and realizes what they’re missing. Of course, this isn’t about personal growth; it’s about rubbing your glow-up in their face. Because maturity is overrated.
Step 7: Pretend to Move On
Finally, the pièce de résistance: pretending to move on. Throw yourself into work, hobbies, and social activities. Laugh heartily at parties, take countless selfies with friends, and always look like you’re having the time of your life. Even if you’re still dying inside, no one needs to know. Fake it until you make it, right?
In conclusion, being “served breakfast” is just a fancy way of saying “I’ve been dumped.” But with a bit of sarcasm and a whole lot of pretense, you can navigate this heartbreak like a pro. So, chin up, heartbroken warrior! Embrace the drama, milk the sympathy, and never forget – the best revenge is living well…or at least looking like you are
